Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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