Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
