good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
