a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
