you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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