There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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