Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
