I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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