I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
