I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
