I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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