you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
