Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
