I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
