drinking out of a sandbucket again
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You left your phone here
Wait...
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
