This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
