Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
