my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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