Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
