3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
