You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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