I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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