On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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