Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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