you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
