dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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