I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
