You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
