onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
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