you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
