I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
