allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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