Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
