I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
