Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
