Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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