My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
bring money and cleavage
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
