hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
