And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
