How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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