There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
