as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
