Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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