I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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