First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
