Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
