Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
