I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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