Porn is love you can see.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
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