Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
