we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Randomize
