Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
