turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
