so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
