Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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