So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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