i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
